his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
