I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
