I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
