i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
