He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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