Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
