happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
