So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
