You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just blew my weed a kiss
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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