she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
