I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
