I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
