i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
