You smell like stripper and shame
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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