Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
