Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
