Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He shit in the fireplace
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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