dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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