The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
