my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
