I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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