Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
