Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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