So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
