last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
