I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
