Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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