Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
