Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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