Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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