I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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