We won't sleep together?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
