I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
