He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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