You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize