Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
