he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
