My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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