I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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