who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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