You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She bit a glass in half.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
