I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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