I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
