It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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