My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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