We got so high we made milksteak
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
