You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
