I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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