It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
