i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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