I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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