Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
