My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
