I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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