Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
