I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
