so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize