Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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