I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
