He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
someone threw a dead crab at me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
