Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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