Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
