On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Every concussion has its silver lining
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize