I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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